


non, je ne regrette rien

by warsfeil



Category: Tales of Crestoria
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25834525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warsfeil/pseuds/warsfeil
Summary: “I have a question,” Misella says, which isn’t a question in of itself.Vicious pours himself another shot -- dive bars weren’t really picky about leaving the bottle, so long as you paid up front, which he had -- and downs the entire thing, then pours another shot.“Sure,” Vicious says, because this has to be good if the firestarter is asking him and not anyone else. “Shoot.”“How do you have sex with a boy?” Misella asks, and Vicious drops the shot glass.
Relationships: Aegis Alver/Vicious, Kanata Hjuger/Misella
Comments: 20
Kudos: 106





	non, je ne regrette rien

**Author's Note:**

> i can't write yuna with a french accent because it's painful, so she gets a southern accent (which is much more fitting of kansaiben, in my opinion), in case anyone was wondering.

Misella marches into the bar like she belongs there, and it’s such a dive that no one actually bothers to stop her even though she’s clearly underage. She doesn’t order alcohol, just slides into the seat across from Vicious at the little table he’s staked his claim on with several empty bottles.

“I have a question,” Misella says, which isn’t a question in of itself.

Vicious pours himself another shot -- dive bars weren’t really picky about leaving the bottle, so long as you paid up front, which he had -- and downs the entire thing, then pours another shot. 

“Sure,” Vicious says, because this has to be good if the firestarter is asking him and not anyone else. “Shoot.”

“How do you have sex with a boy?” Misella asks, and Vicious drops the shot glass. It shatters instantly, because dive bars don’t exactly have high quality glassware, and Vicious slams his hand onto the table to glance back at the uninterested bartender.

“Can I get another-- can I get a pint glass?” Vicious yells. The bartender frowns, but he steps over with one, and Vicious overpays before he’s allowed to snatch it out of the bartender’s hand and fill the entire thing up with cheap vodka.

Vicious practically unhinges his jaw and drinks it until the burning is so much that even _he_ can’t ignore it, coughs twice, and then slams the glass back down gingerly enough that it doesn’t break. The empty bottles rattle ominously, though, which he feels is pretty atmospheric.

“Why,” Vicious says, finally, wiping his mouth, “the _hell_ are you asking me that?”

“You’ve definitely had sex with a boy,” Misella says, very calmly. It’s like the smoke and the darkness of the bar don’t even reach her: she has her own aura of flame that keeps anything as dirty as a dive bar on the outskirts of town from touching her. “Aegis definitely hasn’t.”

Vicious considers correcting her, because he knows for a fact that Aegis has had sex with a boy and very recently, but he can’t quite wrap his head enough around the conversation to derail it.

“Yuna?” he offers, almost pleadingly.

“Has Yuna had sex with boys?” Misella asks. She raises her hand, almost thoughtfully. “I think she would lie about something like this.”

Vicious is suddenly keenly aware of the sex lives of his fellow transgressors, and equally aware that this is a deeply forbidden knowledge he actually wants no part of if it means having to give sex ed to a kid.

“You’re missing a few parts,” Vicious says, finally, “if you wanna have sex with a boy like I do.”

Misella purses her lips, but doesn’t respond for a moment. She’s careful in collecting herself, and it’d be great and cute and admirable if she wasn’t literally asking Vicious for a guide on how to fuck.

“I know that,” Misella says, “but how do you have sex with a boy? No, that isn’t what I mean. How do you start to have sex with a boy, instead of just kissing?”

Vicious takes another long sip of vodka. He’s definitely going to regret this later, because he can already feel the burn of the alcohol blossoming out in his stomach, and he was _already_ a little tipsy, but--

“What you’re saying is,” Vicious says, very slowly, knowing that if he oversteps too much Misella will absolutely burn the entire bar down around him, “you and Kana-- uhh, a boy, are stuck just kissing and you want to take it further, right?”

“Yes,” Misella, says, and there’s just a hint of a blush on her cheeks, high and rosy and matching her hair.

“...have you tried just tellin’ him?” 

“That would be inappropriate,” Misella says.

“Hold on, I gotta think,” Vicious says, because the way that he seduces people is definitely not the kind of thing Misella could replicate, and he doesn’t want to imagine it. “Have you tried -- uh, like, kissing him and then… grabbing his dick?”

Misella looks like she’s considering this deeply.

“Is that all?” she asks.

“Well, normally you could be all ‘ohh Ka-- uhhh, ohhh nameless boy I’m trying to seduce, I want you inside me’ but that ain’t quite your speed,” Vicious says, because everytime he calls her out on the fact that it’s Kanata she’s trying to sleep with he can feel the room heat up a few degrees.

“I absolutely would not do that,” Misella says.

“Yeah,” Vicious agrees, “so just, I dunno. Grab his dick. Boys like it when you grab their dicks.”

“Hm,” Misella says, and then slides off the chair. She pauses, for a moment, and then, very stiffly, “Thank you.”

Vicious finishes the rest of the vodka before she even hits the exit.

-

“It didn’t work,” Misella says. She’s eating a drumstick that’s the approximate size of her head, roasted from whatever monster she and Aegis took down when Vicious was off scouting for “a side dish”, which turned out to be alcohol so backwater he’s wondering if he’s going to go blind from drinking it.

“Uh,” Vicious says, thinking that going blind might be good with the way his life has been going recently, “the spices, or, like…?”

“No,” Misella says. She sweeps her skirts out of the way and sits down on the log looking shockingly prim for someone who hasn’t had a bath in three days. “With sleeping with a boy.”

“Oh,” Vicious says, and stares down into the bottle of alcohol. Maybe it could make him go deaf, instead? That sounds like a better fate than blind. Blind, he could still appreciate all the beauty in life but wouldn’t have to actually hear anyone rambling on. “Did you grab his dick?”

“Yes,” Misella says, “but I don’t know if he liked it.”

Vicious has learned a lot about Kanata by traveling with him, and he knows for a fact that Kanata is a red-blooded man who would definitely fuck Misella, so he’s honestly at a loss.

“What’d he do?” Vicious asks, because they’re this far into the conversation and he’s halfway into the bottle and he _might as well fucking help_.

“He said, ‘ow’,” Misella says. “Then he laughed and backed away and said he had to go polish his sword.”

“Wait,” Vicious says, “how hard did you grab him?”

Misella holds her hands up, looking considering, and then reaches out, locking her grip around his wrist. Vicious winces, not because it actually hurts, but because imagining that grip on his dick in the middle of a cutesy vanilla sex encounter makes him want to cross his legs.

“No, you gotta--” Vicious says, and then stops. He runs a hand through his hair and wonders exactly how he got to a point in his life where he had to explain sex to a teenager, and how he can get a refund. It wasn’t supposed to be like this at all! This wasn’t fun! Well -- okay, it was a little fun. “More like this.”

He reaches out, curls his own fingers around Misella’s wrist in an easy, loose grip. “You wanna start out light and sweet. You gotta leave the hard grabs to people like me.”

Misella frowns, looking at Vicious’ hand on her wrist. “You didn’t say that.”

“I’ve never had to explain sex before,” Vicious says. “I’m usually the one doin’ it!”

“Hm,” Misella says. She holds her hand up, miming grabbing something -- her hand motion is light and careful, and Vicious thinks she probably has a passable chance of what she’s going for. “What happens after that?”

“Listen,” Vicious says, “you _really_ gotta figure some of this out yourself.”

-

“Hey,” Vicious says, stepping into the room with his towel flung over his shoulder and no regard for his nudity, “did you know how to have sex before we fucked?”

“Did I,” Aegis starts, seemingly in complete disbelief that Vicious has the audacity to both be naked and also ask him if he knew how to fuck, “ _what_?”

“Did you know how to fuck? Or, I mean, get fucked, in your case, but it’s the same thing,” Vicious says, and flops onto the bed. Aegis tracks his form with his eyes, years of pent up sexual frustration in his gaze before he pointedly breaks and stares at the wall, cheeks pink.

“I knew… the theory,” Aegis says, very carefully.

“Walk me through it,” Vicious says. 

“If this is some kind of strange roleplay--”

“When’d you learn _that_ turn of phrase?” Vicious asks, and Aegis stands up, making a decisive gesture with his hand that goes absolutely nowhere when Vicious reaches out, laces their fingers and pulls Aegis down on top of him, instead. 

“Vicious,” Aegis says, very seriously, cheeks flushed to a pink that goes all the way back to his ears.

“Mmhmm,” Vicious offers, grinning. “The kid’s’re just old enough for it now, you know?”

“You’re worried about them?” Aegis asks, carefully shifting his posture. He allows himself to sit, straddling Vicious’ abdomen with a hand splayed on his chest.

“Nah,” Vicious says, “they’re kids, they’ll find a way. They’re just… a little dumb about it. Tryin’ to figure out how much help they need.”

“Aren’t they a little young?” 

“You were just old,” Vicious responds, and Aegis punches him in the shoulder, not hard enough to do any real damage. 

“I’ll speak with Kanata,” Aegis says, once Vicious stops laughing. “He needs to know the kind of responsibilities that come with -- laying with a woman.”

“‘Cause you know all about that, huh, Mr. Knight?”

“Shut _up_ ,” Aegis says.

-

“Are you the reason the kids are askin’ me about safe sex?” Yuna asks, deceptively casually, dropping into the seat next to Vicious. It’s not a bar, it’s the inn, so the whole place is classier and consequently Vicious is way less drunk that he’d like to be. Yuna has a glass of something sweet, with a little umbrella in it and ice cubes, and Vicious eyes it untrustingly.

“The little witch came to me first,” Vicious says, exasperated. “I’ve got _some_ limits.”

“I suppose even an agent of chaos like yourself has a bit of a moral code,” Yuna says, waving a hand like she can dismiss Vicious’ morals. “But whyever did she go to _you_?” Her accent is as sugary-sweet as her drink, and when she takes a sip of it, the smell of fruit wafts all the way over to Vicious.

“‘Cause I’m the only one she knows that’s fucked a dude,” Vicious says, drawling it out as crass as he can. Yuna’s eyebrows go up just a moment before she smiles. She touches a finger to the sugared rim of her glass, then licks it off, almost contemplatively.

“I suppose she would think that, wouldn’t she?” Yuna says. She offers Vicious a smile, and Vicious takes a too-long shot of the cheapest rum they had in the joint, wishing he’d been able to afford more than one bottle.

“I hope you helped her,” Vicious says, “‘cause I don’t have a damn clue how you’re supposed to stay safe or whatever.”

“Oh, of course I helped.” Yuna waves her hand again. “Even if I’ve never tried to seduce a childhood friend of the male variety, I’m more than capable of giving her sound advice, just like you’re capable of having some discretion.”

Vicious grunts, because he doesn’t like this thing where people actually have a high enough opinion of him to care about his advice and feelings. It’s weird, and kind of gross.

“Anyway,” Yuna says, “maybe stay at a different inn tonight.”

-

“Hi,” Vicious offers, and very little else when he crowds into Aegis’ space until Aegis is backed up against the wall of the armorer.

“What are you--”

“Wanna stay with me tonight?” 

“I stay with you, quite literally, every night,” Aegis says, but he makes no effort to move, even when Vicious’ hands drift up Aegis’ sides and rest on the curve of his waist. “We have a room at the inn.”

“Nah, I have a better idea,” Vicious says, and Aegis rolls his eyes, but does not immediately protest.

-

“This is someone’s house,” Aegis says, staring at the door as Vicious casually opens it.

“Close,” Vicious offers. Aegis is still close on his heels when he walks in, and Vicious can feel the vague anxiety radiating off him. He was definitely going to work that out of him later. “Yuna’s got some connections to some places to stay. Don’t worry about it.”

“When you tell me not to worry about something,” Aegis says, darkly, looking around at the completely normal home, “it makes me even more concerned.”

“Don’t you trust me?” Vicious asks, and Aegis hesitates, which is cute, because Vicious already knows the answer. 

“So why are we here?” Aegis asks, and Vicious steers him into the bedroom.

“It’s got some bonus features,” Vicious says. Aegis sits on the bed with visible trepidation, and Vicious flicks open the chest at the foot of the bed, reaching in to spin around the first pair of handcuffs he finds.

“Oh,” Aegis says, very faintly, and Vicious grins.

-

Yuna whistles when the group recovenes, because three people look embarrassed, one person looks smug, and all four of them have at least one visible hickey.

“Well, I am _mighty_ impressed,” Yuna says, cheerfully. “Didn’t think y’all had it in you!”

“You didn’t?” Kanata says, and Yuna claps him on the back.

“That was a lie,” she offers, cheerfully. “I knew you had it in you all along! Or… had it in…”

“Do not,” Aegis says, and Yuna breaks off into a laugh, airy and easy. 

“Next time any of you ask me for sex tips, you’re paying me,” Yuna says, her drawl calmly deceptive compared to the glint in her eyes.

“Shit, I should have thought of that,” Vicious murmurs, because that could have paid for at least a few bottles of alcohol-based therapy. 

“Oh, you don’t get paid, honey,” Yuna says, and this time Vicious is the one who gets clapped on the shoulder. “You’re just married with kids, it’s your job.”

“I’m not a--”

“He’s not my--”

“That’s absolutely--” 

The sound of four people talking at once is broken by the crackle of flames and an outraged howl from Vicious.

“What’re you settin’ _me_ on fire for?” Vicious demands, and Misella frowns, lowering her hand.

“You probably deserve it,” Misella says, finally, and Vicious, technically, cannot deny that.

“Well, yeah,” he admits, and Aegis snorts.

“So,” Kanata says, very mildly, attempting to discreetly slip his hand into Misella’s and failing miserably when she whirls on him with delight in her eyes, “are we going…?”

“We’re already gone,” Aegis says, and strides ahead of the group like he can outrun his embarrassment. It’s a losing battle, but at least Vicious gets to stare at his ass when he’s in the front. 

Things could definitely be worse.

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes... you make a funny joke with a friend, and it turns into a fic, and i really have no explanation than this other than i really enjoy imagining vicious awkwardly filling an older brother role that he literally never asked for 
> 
> anyway, as always i'm @warsfeils on twitter, talk to me about crestoria i'm dying


End file.
